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[Jul. 28th, 2008|09:56 pm] |
Things I’ve come to realize:
- Things will always take longer than the time you allotted for them. Unless you are trying to kill time with an activity—then you will finish far quicker than you imagined.
- Dessert isn’t necessary, but it makes meals worth eating.
- You can never look for love. Because if you look for love you are certain to find it, but not in its true form. You will find what you choose to label as love because of your desire to be loved instead of just accepting relationships for what they are and letting them develop or break.
- Sometimes, bones will break. So will hearts. The latter takes longer to heal, and with much greater pain, but, unlike bones, it comes with the ability to heal fully and become even stronger than before its fracture.
- An 8 oz. glass of fruit juice may have 100 calories according to my mother, but it starts my morning off right, so calories be damned, I’ll fucking drink it.
- When yearning for things to be “the way they used to be”, remember that going to those places with those people now may not be quite as magical, and would perhaps ruin the positive thoughts of it that you already have.
- Don’t believe people who say to regret nothing. There are plenty of things that you ought to regret. That being said, never regret without doing something about it. If you owe an apology, do it, even if it’s 10 years later. If it’s not something you can apologize for, just figure out what you can learn from it and stop making the same stupid mistakes. Lord knows we all do plenty of jackass things that we ought to regret. The phrase instead should be Regret Nothing Inactively
- You are never too old to find shapes in the clouds. Although I’ll warn you—some look a lot more phallic now than they did at age 7.
- Some people never change. But some can and do. Do what you need to do to save your sanity—taking a break from them, etc., but never give up on or underestimate those you love.
- Bigger breasts, thinner thighs, shinier hair, will not make you happier. Money will. ;)
- Spend a lot on your mattress and sheets. 1/3 of your life should not be fucked with.
- Moisturize.
- When you have a day where life just sucks, sometimes all there is to do is to drive out in the middle of nowhere and scream your head off.
- You are never too old for a bubble bath.
- You are, however, too old to be wearing Crocs. So cut it the fuck out. Use them as gardening shoes, as they were fucking intended.
- When you have a lot of problems, spend your time with someone or something that has none—like a child, or a dog. Whimsical feelings of being carefree are highly contagious.
- An apple a day is fine. But don’t push it. Any more than that, and you’ll have bad gas.
- 25 degrees below zero is a bad time to get a flat tire.
- If you are really in need of a sunny day, just forget your sunglasses at home. It’s a signal to the sun to fuck with you.
- Likewise, if you want it to rain, forget your umbrella. Same logic applies.
- Just because you have a pain may not mean something’s wrong. Wait a day or two before you schedule an appointment.
- Flossing sucks.
- “Just because you have stopped sinking doesn’t mean you’re not still underwater.” – Amy Hempel.
- Sex is great, but it’s best not as an end, but as a means to an end—closeness in a way that is impossible to express with words.
- In closing, one more Hempel quote on getting through tragedy: “The worst of it is over now, and I can’t say that I am glad. Lose that sense of loss—you have gone and lost something else. But the body moves toward health. The mind, too, in steps. One step at a time. Ask a mother who has just lost a child, How many children to you have? ‘Four,’ she will say ‘—three,’ and years later, ‘Three,’ she will say ‘—four.’ It’s the little steps that help. Weather, breakfast, crossing with the light." |
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[Jun. 22nd, 2008|06:37 pm] |
I haven't been writing in here, and I'm sorry for anyone who potentially gives a shit. But right now I feel kind of like engaging in some hopefully proactive cathartic writing.
I won't say what kind of a year it's been. Mostly because I can't come up with any words. I've experienced the greatest of pride and pleasure and the lowest points of despair. And to this day, I feel that my days begin and end with this same juxtaposition. Those close to me know that this year I was in love and broken hearted, doggedly working on and completing my honors thesis, graduating, traveling the country to interview at graduate schools, waiting nervously, getting into graduate school, had my school get shot up by a crazed gunman, lost someone through that, lost another acquaintance to a freak construction accident, went through a TRAGIC EVENT (which I will not go into detail about on here), tried to recover from said event, got horribly used, wanted to die, wanted to give up on men altogether, and now...I'm moving my things to Ohio.
The irritating thing about going through something traumatic is that life just keeps moving. The sun continues to shine, birds still fly around, people still drive like assholes, and papers are still due. The universe doesn't have the time to care that you're so deep in a hole that you can feel the heat of the inner mantle of the earth's core. It just continues. And for all that I hated this about the universe--- its not giving a fuck about my issues, it probably helped me more than anything to just keep waking up and going through life.
Recently, after Austin was crushed by a steel beam on a worksite in CA, my therapist said, "That is hard, death never gets easier." I shook my head. It never gets easy, but it gets less frustrating. You learn not to ask the fruitless question why. There isn't a why. The shooting made me realize that more than ever. Five young people with young minds and dreams and hopes for their lives. And, yes, flaws. But for some reason, a young man came and recklessly took their lives and his own. Those who yearn for a "why" have blamed evidence of a potentially unstable mental health history, or video games (ask Andrew how he feels about THAT), or his parents being divorced or something. But they are fools. There. is. no. why. There just isn't. People just aren't satisfied with the truth-- this bullshit-- it just happens. Free will be damned. But that's the truth.
In the aftermath, the Lutheran church on campus put up 6 crosses. People were in an uproar that they felt the 6th was for the shooter. I say, who cares. Human life was lost. At ones one hands or at another's--who cares--How is that not sad? Your anger won't bring our loved ones back. Let it go.
I didn't know Ryanne well. She was in my social psych class, in my group, at the time of the shooting. A sweet girl. Ebullient, perpetually smiling. Enthusiastic. I learned more about her at her funeral. They talked a lot about her flaws. Which I so appreciated. Because flaws are humanity. She was messy, idealistic, her father said. She was one of those psych majors who just wants to be a counselor and help people. That's all she wanted-- to help people. God love her. I apologize for the fact that it sounds quite cheesy for me to say it, but those of us who are going into the field who know her will work on in her spirit.
Right now, I'm single. It's one of the strangest experiences of my life. Mostly because it seems that people just don't believe in dating anymore. It's either you're with someone or not. Which is horribly frustrating to someone who is moving in 2 short months and just wants to have fun. One person I've been seeing was sort of wondering what it would take for us to date exclusively, and I guess one of the answers is, I need to know you.
Maybe this is weird, but for me to really like someone, I need to know what toys they liked to play with as a kid, their biggest disappointments, their failures, their losses, their greatest joys, their ridiculous pet peeves, their tragedies. I want to hear their story. Maybe I'm just a fucked up person, but if they've never been through some tragedies, I'm really not interested. To me, how can you really know anything about life if you've never had to question it? If you've never screamed at the top of your lungs because there aren't any words or tears left?
Here are some examples of things about me. I hate drive-thrus. I avoid them at all costs. I can't stand whistling. I love riding in convertibles and watching the clouds. I always have a song in my head. I don't like sci-fi or fantasy stuff. I ALWAYS have water in my purse. My room is never clean for longer than 24 hours. I can't stand people folding my ears over. I hate to be tickled. I love to wake up next to someone I love, but don't like sharing my bed in order to get to that moment.
These are the things I hope people remember about me. Idiosyncrasies-- they're so beautiful. |
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[Jul. 23rd, 2007|09:29 pm] |
Just a few thoughts..
--Not sure if I've mentioned this before, but I don't like how my dentist puts his name and phone number on my toothbrush. Seems like a very arrogant move to me, and while I realize that by using various products throughout the course of my day I am inadvertently advertising constantly, I don't feel I should have to advertise for my dentist. Frankly, he's an asshole, and his big fat tummy always rests on me when he's bent over me. Yucko.
-- I feel like I should hate mushrooms, cause they're such a gross kind of fungus thing. Yet, I love them. Dishes just seem to taste better with mushrooms. Just try not to think about the fact that fungus also grows under people's toenails, and you'll continue to enjoy said dishes.
-- Girls are SO much easier to shop for than guys. Just buy them a pretty piece of jewelry, and they're happy. What the fuck do you get a guy that is equivalent to a diamond necklace? This is the predicament that I'm in, and I don't know how to solve it. Especially because he's not helpful, and he keeps saying like, "just get me a sandwich from subway" or "how about a car air freshener". Argh.
-- Sunday, July 22nd, 1:14, I receive the following text message from John, who is going to the bathroom in my new apartment:
"I've always wanted a girl like you and a toilet paper holder that was straight ahead of me"
Glad my new place makes his dreams come true. |
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[Jul. 16th, 2007|09:52 pm] |
Do people truly have the ability to change?
Maybe some do. I talked to Eric today and he kind of casually mentioned that he doesn't go out nearly as much as he used to..that he thinks he may have somewhat outgrown that phase of his life. I was in disbelief, I thought maybe he was bluffing, but I have no choice but to to accept what he's saying as the truth. It's funny, isn't it? All I wanted was for him to drink a little less, and all he wanted was for me to see that it's ok to drink occasionally..and now we're both sort of at those places. If only we would have been 9 months ago we wouldn't have had to go through all the bullshit. But, such is life.
On a completely unrelated note..I've wondered this, and thought of it again when I was watching those crime shows I like to watch...what happens with people's stuff when they go to jail? By stuff, I mean like, bills, payments, etc. Who takes care of it? Is something set up to where it deducts from their bank account? Does a family member have to take care ofit? What if they don't have family to do it?
Not that I am trying to plan ahead for a future sentence...I'm really just curious. |
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[Jul. 12th, 2007|05:06 pm] |
Ginormous is now officially in the dictionary.
I now plan to use it less-- that just takes all the fun out of it.
What's next, bazillion? |
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[Jul. 10th, 2007|08:44 pm] |
I'm annoyed.
I read this article this morning. http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20070710/ap_on_re_eu/pope_other_christians;_ylt=Aj87tThnP9pbUwjiE25yNOLMWM0F
If you're not interesting in reading it, allow me to sum it up. The pope re-released a statement that other Christian denominations (Protestants, Methodists, Episcopalians, etc) are not true churches, and that only the Catholic church has the "true means of salvation."
This really pissed me off for a few reasons.
First, I will not try to act like I've ever thought the papacy made any fucking sense. If he's so close to god, ordained by God, then why doesn't god pick him instead of a few guys who blow smoke out of a chimney thing? Why is any mortal closer to God than any other? This idea seems very un-Christian to me...we are all equals under God. Giving up sex for your life doesn't make you any better than anyone else. It just deprives you of the precious gift of creating another of God's children (and of having a GREAT deal of pleasure in your life). [insert altar boy joke here]
So obviously I have some long-standing issues with the Catholic church. But, all of that aside, can't we agree that this is totally unfair for the Pope to say? What do you mean, catholics only have the "true means to salvation"? Are the rest of the believing, God-fearing Christians going to "purgatory"? Are only YOU, ever perfect one, going to heaven? And by the way, how do YOU know so specifically who will be saved? Must be your special relationship with God that the rest of us are incapable of, since we're lesser fucking beings or something.
Or is this your way of saying, "Those who do not believe in ME shall not have eternal life"? Is that what this is about? Just angry because some of us Christians think you're just the same as the rest of the believers in God's eyes?
What's really sad to me, is it is exactly this kind of thing that turns non-religious people further from religion. The constant bickering over rules and regulations, what is right, what is acceptable, who will be saved. It's silly to me, because none of us really know. All we can do in the meantime is love our neighbors, treat others with respect, and basically not be a bunch of assholes. The Pope's actions are what divides Christians. He says that he believes in ecumenical progress, but I just don't see how that can be! That's like calling a black dude a piece of shit n-word and expecting him to be your friend. He could have called the churches different, he could have said they have different beliefs, but instead he had to go and profess the primacy of his own beliefs. And that's why he's wrong.
In the words of Luke 23:24 "Forgive them, Lord, for they know not what they do."
All I have to say to you, Pope Benedict, is that when God talks to you, I hope he tells you what a bad boy you've been and sends you to bed without your dessert. |
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[Jul. 9th, 2007|09:24 pm] |
A lot happened this weekend. But I was out way too late and only got 3.5 hours of sleep last night..I'm in no mood to write. So, instead, enjoy one of many incredible parts of my weekend.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7LAZgcC3jgo
This ought to be enough entertainment to keep you satisfied for now. :)
EDIT: I should tell you that John and I turned on SNL as this was starting. After it was done, he immediately changed the channel. Why? "SNL is not going to do any better than that for me tonight." Well said. |
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[Jul. 5th, 2007|11:02 pm] |
I went to Eric's game as usual..it's Thursday evening. And his Dad, Step-mom and little brother showed up. It was so nice to see them again. Awkward, but nice. Sometimes you forget how much you miss things until you get to experience them again.
I drove home with all the windows down, because it's awful hard to cry with the wind whipping in your face. |
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[Jul. 2nd, 2007|08:31 pm] |
I'm writing this from my front porch, since it's so lovely outside. I would be running, but my toe hurts for some ungodly reason (people keep saying an ingrown toenail, but I see nothing grown-in) and I don't feel like making it even more angry at me. Toes can be real bitches.
Am I lame? I guess I am. It seems that John almost mocks me, with the way I come home from work, study for the GRE or do grad school stuff, paint, read, play the piano and go to bed as early as I can. Sometimes I shop. But, I get up for work at 5:45…am I supposed to go party every night, regardless? Maybe I am, I don't know. Maybe I'm just a boring person. I hope he doesn't start to resent that.
Of course the one day I needed to take 90W for work, it was backed up with a jack-knifed semi. Oh joy. I should have brought a map. Luckily, my guess that Algonquin Rd would get me there was correct.
Tomorrow, after work, it's off to Mokena to spend the 4th with John. I would go on Wednesday morning, but the parade route is near his house and so I'd have to get there at 9 a.m….translation, leave here by 8, translation, get up at 6:30 on a day off. No, thank you! J Besides, we're going to see Ratatouille.
Painting has done something interesting to me…it seems that when I look up at the sky now, at the sunset, I don't just see the color…I see where I'd have to add white, or a little orange to mix them to be the right shade, and draw the end of my brush dryly across the edges to feather them into one another. I never looked at the sky as if it were a painting before, but it's a lot like that scene in What Dreams May Come where he and his dog are running through the field, but it's really part of a painting, and they are getting covered in paint and smearing all the colors. I love that scene. I hope that's what heaven is like. |
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[Jul. 1st, 2007|10:34 pm] |
I think I'm going to start posting in here. Mostly, because my boyfriend doesn't like to talk on the phone. He says I babble about things. I say, so what? You have to talk about SOMETHING. A simple, "Hi, I worked today, it sucked. I ate a salami on rye for lunch. Ok. Cool. Me too. Bye" Doesn't really contribute much in the way of interesting or meaningful conversation. At least for me.
So. You, internet world, are subject to my ramblings. And, quite unlike John, you won't get whined at if you don't listen. :) Maybe we won't need to talk on the phone at all anymore, he can just read about my life on here... (I'm joking, of course)
I think I should separate things from now on...I want to write about personal life things, but I know most people don't give a shit, and I don't blame them. But... I'm not just going to NOT WRITE AT ALL about them simply because YOU don't like it. Because, well, this is my blog. :)
Personal Life Stuff:
--- This past week (the 26th) would have been 5 years with Eric. Despite the fact that I'm with John, and very happy with him, I couldn't help but feel a good deal of sadness that day. People always say when things work out that it just "wasn't meant to be". But what if it was? I think it's just something people say because, well, fuck, we'll never know exactly what WOULD have happened. But, I mean, think about it...maybe if I would have stayed with him, we would have worked things out and gotten married, had kids, won the lottery, lived in Rio, died rich and fat and happy. That COULD have happened. I may never know. And the never knows are what seep into my brain with a lot of things. Like, maybe I was supposed to apply to "better" schools for undergrad, like Notre Dame, Northwestern, etc. and I'd be into research there, and have a better chance at big name grad schools. That could have happened, but I don't know. I guess instead of the saying being, "It wasn't meant to be", a more appropriate axiom is. "Don't fixate on the things that could have been, or you'll turn batty like stupid old Tina."
---Other than that, things are really great. I spent yesterday afternoon/evening with John's aunts, uncles, cousins, etc. on his Dad's side, and it was really fun. They are great people. I enjoyed watching John play with the little ones..he's very good with them. There's just something about guys playing well with kids that's so great, isn't there? (Stop it..I didn't mean it like that.) Then we went out to DeKalb to spend some time together. I scratched his back all afternoon today, and he fell in and out of sleep. Perfect.
--- I think that I have realized I am not a touchy feely person. I bristle at giving others hugs most of the time. Even people in my family. I rarely hug my parents or Michelle. It is extremely uncomfortable for me, and I'm not sure why. I'm trying not to psychoanalyze. Is it the touch I hate? Andrew pointed out that I asked him for a hug when I saw him a week or two ago. And, that's true, I did. Seems out of character. But, I have hugged Julie, too. So I guess "seeing an old friend" qualifies as a hug-worthy occasion. I hug John all the time. I hug his mom sometimes, though it is very hard for me. I wish I felt freer to hug my mom and dad. It is one of those things I'll curse myself for not doing more when they pass. In junior high/high school my group of friends hugged EVERYONE ANYTIME ANYBODY went ANYWHERE. And I loved that. Why have I changed? Any suggestions on how to not be such a weirdo?
NON-PERSONAL LIFE STUFF--
---As a part of the hugging topic I started above, I was thinking about how different people hug differently. Have you noticed this? Most people have to lean down to hug me because I'm short. My mom and I don't have to, and I find it awkward to hug women my height because you have to figure out how to not make your boobs touch and stuff. Eric gives the best hugs ever. They are squeezy and tight. I wish everyone hugged like him. It's a hug that MEANS something. And I think hugs ought to be more important than they are given credit for now. It's always strange trying to figure out who is putting their arms where, I think. Just me?
---- Are fireworks illegal in Illinois? Cause I've seen a LOT of them around, set off by random people. If so, that has to be one of the most OBVIOUS crimes ever committed.
---- Chris Benoit. Wow. For those of you who don't know my friends well...after some sort of terrible media event, my friends try to come up with the most awful, obscene and tactless response to it (usually in the form of a joke in an away message). I didn't see many for Benoit, but I doubt they would have topped Alex's, which was "jeez, I didn't realize how offended Chris Benoit was that I never picked him in my WCW vs. NWO game." For other examples of my friends being assholes, please see: any of our Anna Nicole comments, the infamous "Walking on Corpses" (remake of Walkin' On Sunshine', made after Hurricane Katrina, when I realized that the song was originally and ironically performed by a band called Katrina and the Waves), or simply observe us playing a game of Apples to Apples. Yikes.
---- Speaking of which, someone needs to organize a game of that. Oh, and Paper Telephone.
---- John and I were watching NASCAR today (he enjoys it, I'm trying desperately to), and one of the upcoming races is the USG Sheetrock 300, and I just cracked up. Wow, what a ridiculous fucking sponsorship! I was trying to brainstorm some other really stupid sponsors, how about the:
-Kotex Lightdays Panty-Liners 200
-Goo-Gone 300
-A Chorus Line 200
-3M Sticky Post-Its That Are Put Together Like an Accordian So You Can Put Them In One Of Those Post-It Dispenser Thingies 400
Please feel free to add your own. |
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[May. 12th, 2007|11:11 pm] |
So you pick up your life, all of your things, and move back into your parents' house for the summer.
Cut to that scene in Garden State:
Andrew: You know that point in your life when you realize that the house that you grew up in isn't really your home anymore? All of the sudden even though you have some place where you can put your stuff that idea of home is gone.
Sam: I still feel at home in my house.
Andrew: You'll see when you move out it just sort of happens one day and it's just gone. And you can never get it back. It's like you get homesick for a place that doesn't exist. I mean it's like this rite of passage, you know. You won't have this feeling again until you create a new idea of home for yourself, you know, for your kids, for the family you start, it's like a cycle or something. I miss the idea of it. Maybe that's all family really is. A group of people who miss the same imaginary place.
That sums it up, really. I have a home now. My home is in DeKalb, in my apartment, lying on my bed watching Flip This House with Johnny next to me while I wait for the delicious beef roast/chicken/parmesan potatoes/chocolate cherry cake/whatever that I made to finish in the oven.
I feel as if there is not much left for Oswego to offer me. Most of my friends don't call this place home anymore, and either stay at school or have shipped out. Kyle's in LA, the Aguilars are in Michigan, Michelle's downtown, I'm not with Eric anymore (the tie I used to have to this place), and I feel like Oswego left me behind.
Or maybe I left it behind. There, the glass is half full, right?
Except that whether I'm ahead or behind of this place, is not what makes the difference. What does, is that I'm not a part of it. It's like when you're at a party and everyone is laughing at some inside joke and you're standing there like, "ok wow, i don't know what the fuck that means" and you tell yourself it's because you're above their juvenile and sophomoric sense of humor. But..either way, you're the only one checking your watch and trying to drain your drink quick enough for something to make sense.
So, cheers to this summer, I guess. |
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[Apr. 7th, 2007|10:37 pm] |
Well, it is finally here: Easter!
You may or may not know this about me, but I *love* Easter. It is definitely the best religious holiday by far, and ranks up there with Christmas and Halloween in the fun factor for me. What is so great about Easter?
-A special day for a frilly dress, fancy shoes, big hat and gloves. I could not WAIT for this day to come when I was little. I had my outfit all laid out and ready to go and was just itching to get into it in the morning.
-Easter egg hunts. My dad is extremely clever and suspends them from things, hides them in the most ridiculous places, and every year-- forgets where one is. My sister and I STILL crawl around on our hands and knees, shaking curtains out, taking apart the piano looking for them.
-Easter dinner. Yum. Little explanation is needed here. We're talking Thanksgiving replicated.
-Candy. Smuckers jelly beans are my personal favorite. And yes, I'll eat peeps,too.
-It's usually semi-nice weather.
-Finally, and most importantly to me-- I LOVE THE MUSIC! Easter music is simply the best music there is, at least in the Lutheran liturgy. And who can beat singing the Hallelujah chorus with brass behind you??
Tomorrow, the weather will be horrid, no Michelle (due to work) and I will be doing the Easter egg hunt alone. Plus, we're doing 3 services, which means I have to get up at 5 a.m. You'd think I'd really be grumbling about all of this, but....
I just can't wait for that music.
Happy Easter.
(or for Eric, Happy Zombie Jesus Day :) ) |
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[Apr. 4th, 2007|04:14 pm] |
Meg just said something about Bangkok and I can honestly say, I never thought about how hilarious that city is.
Bangkok.
Ha. |
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[Feb. 26th, 2007|09:07 pm] |
Well it begins! The rehearsing for Easter!!
Had our first practice yesterday. I didn't think mom was gonna make it cause she was sick, but she did! So I got to sing with her, and work the ol' [rusty] pipes! Time for the Hallelujah Chorus, Easter Song, Surely He Has Borne Our Grief, and many others.. And it feels. so. good. to. sing. again. I don't know how I've been survivng without it.
That's all. |
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[Feb. 22nd, 2007|06:59 pm] |
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Just a thought: I wonder how many people who just looooooooove Grey's Anatomy don't even know what Grey's Anatomy is. |
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[Feb. 21st, 2007|10:15 am] |
So today begins Lent. The mythical time when people give things up for no good reason.
"Jesus! JESUS IS OUR REASON!" you say.
GREAT! THANKS FOR YOUR RESPONSE! Now let me tell you why I don't think that's a very sensible reason at all. Now, let me preface this by saying that I am a religious person. I was born to a very religious Lutheran family, etc. etc. etc. and I do believe in God. Take this as sacrilige if you wish, but, I honestly don't think Jesus gives a fuck if you don't drink pop for 40 days. Most Christians who do the "giving shit up" thing do it because they want to "sacrifice something, like Jesus did."
But really, let's think about that. Jesus had holes put in his hands and feet and was hung upon a cross and tortured and left for dead. He died. He DIED HANGING FROM A CROSS. So tell me how not giving your little brother a swirly for 40 days compares to DYING ON A CROSS? It doesn't. Nothing we mortal people are going to do is a big enough sacrifice to even come CLOSE to what Jesus went through for us (if you are even a religious person at all, which a lot of people who "give things up" aren't..)
If I was Jesus, I might even to say it's a slap in the face. All of these people thinking they're being like me by going to the gym every day for 40 days? Not only is it that big of a sacrifice, but it's only for 40 days! He gave up his life..(that's a life, that's...forever, for those of you who are counting).
Anyway, I just don't think Jesus cares. The sentiment is nice and all that, but it is just one of those silly things like not eating meat on Fridays that I will just NEVER understand about some religious people. And it's taken SO seriously. Last year, my roommate came home and she had the ashes on her head, and as a joke, I said, "Hey, you uhh..got something right here", and she was furious and wouldn't speak to me the rest of the day. But come on, she DID have something there. And if you're secure in it, then you should be proud of that.
Feel free to leave your hate, but I promise you I won't much care.
Oh yeah, and Happy Lent! |
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[Feb. 18th, 2007|11:45 pm] |
I really need to write in here more often. Sometimes you think nobody is reading it, and then you hear from somebody who does..and it makes you want to write more.
I feel great tonight..didn't spend a single hour away from John this weekend since Friday afternoon, and it was great. :) We just relaxed, which, after 3 straight weekends of 3 day training sessions, I desperately needed. Valentine's day was amazing! I got off work and went to his place and he had made a roasted chicken, stuffing, green beans, rolls, he had a table with candles and rose petals and a bottle of wine...and an oreo pie. Nobody has ever done soemthing like that for me, so I was so excited about it. The card he gave me was homemade and he had written in it the lyrics to Rascal Flatt's "The Day Before You". I think it's funny the way he isn't afraid to talk about the future. We just seem to fit, and I'm just so excited about the whole thing.
Somewhat stressed, though, because I'm working in two labs and volunteering at Safe Passage (the local battered women's shelter). It'll all work out, I'm sure. It's just logistically confusing for now. Plus, I don't really focus too hard on my classes, because I spend every waking moment I can with John. (Yet somehow got a perfect score on my first exam in my Developmental Psych Lab...I'm still impressed with myself on that one.) I guess I've kind of realized that, whether or not I read the material ahead, I am capable of figuring it out. So I've gotten somewhat lax in my reading. Meh. Sue me.
Vagina farts are funny. Sue Johannsson is talking about them tonight, and it made me laugh. A lot.
Now, some current-events haikus:
Britney? bald? Fugly!
As ugly as those vaj pics!!
(..Hope it's not cancer..)
Anna Nicole croaked
Suicide? But don't worry..
Her boobs will live on.
Astronaut diaper.
I thought NASA folks were smart!
Sure that stuff's just Tang??? |
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[Jan. 18th, 2007|04:17 pm] |
Yesterday I turned on my TV and on Maury, the episode was titled, "Did He Cheat Because I Have Only One Leg?"
I watched, of course.
Was disappointed, however, to find that only one of the guests had only one leg. The other guests didn't even have any abnormalities or deformities! Just the regular lie detector bullshit! Fuck that.
When I was talking to ![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif) mistrsac (whose LJ you need to read, by the way, it is absolutely amazing) about this whole thing, he and I started talking about how when people lose a limb they can still feel it or whatever. The sick person that I am, I think that I would want to do different things to the amputated limb...just to see if they can guess it. It would be like a game! ("OH GOD! I KNOW IT!! IT'S LEECHES!")
...
I am not right in the head. |
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[Jan. 4th, 2007|11:09 pm] |
I was away this weekend and then in Dekalb for New Year’s, so I didn’t get to post anything about the end of 2006. Since I’m bored at work and not even the internet is working, I will entertain myself by reflecting on it now.
I truly feel that 2006 was a very important year for me. I grew a lot this past year, and learned some invaluable lessons. What happened this year? A tumultuous family trip, Michelle’s wedding, finally having my own home (in the form of an apartment), doing my own research and presenting it at ABCT, my best birthday ever (spent at the Shedd!), new friends, old friends, a trip to Indiana to see Adrian and Alex do what they do best, lots of laughter, lots of tears, being almost certain I’d found the person I’d be with forever, then losing him, then finding someone new……
And that brings me to about where we are right now.
So what did I learn?
I learned…
…I could never be happy with someone who picks alcohol over me. (See below)
…Just because you love someone, that doesn’t mean you belong together. This was by far the hardest lesson to learn, probably one of the hardest I’ve ever learned. I’d known for a long time that things with Eric weren’t what they ought to be. Ever since he started drinking, our relationship took a nose dive, and it just got worse and worse as his drinking increased and increased. But I loved him so much that I took it. I took a lot of things from him that I never should have. Because love isn’t enough to go through so much pain. It just isn’t. It took his immaturity in completely abandoning me to realize that while there were certainly things I did wrong in the relationship, the end was simply due to his inability to compromise and make changes to help make our relationship work. He simply stopped calling. That’s how nearly 4 ½ years ended. With him simply not calling anymore. I didn’t fully realize that the dissolution of our relationship was truly all him until I talked to him a few weeks ago. It was a choice between me and alcohol. And I lost. But really….HE lost. He sees that now. He told me that he realized that his jealousies were so dumb…at the end of the day, I was still his. That my “nagging” was really just trying to save him from the idiotic decisions he was making. He has taken full ownership. And this is what I needed to close that chapter of my life. Affirmation. I love him, I always will love him in a way. But we don’t belong together. I think we once did, I think our personalities always fit. But at our positions in life, our goals are separate, our views on the relationship are different, and we needed to be done being each others’ poison. I’m so glad to have him as a friend, though. (Can you believe that we’re friends??)
…You always meet the most amazing person when you have given up hope and stopped trying to find someone. It was so unlikely that HE would be a match for me. Some friend of Steve C’s that played soccer, liked Notre Dame, and country music…a fit for Tina? I don’t believe it sometimes, either. But little did I know that night that Steve invited me over for some karaoke, I would meet the goofy, fucked-up-in-the-head, wonderfully adorable and sweet John Allen Michael Maluta. So much for a broken heart. Sometimes, these things in life make you believe that everything happens for a reason. I’m starting to believe I was really supposed to go that night to Steve’s. I was really supposed to get the guts to call him after Eric M’s party. All I know, is I’m incredibly blessed. I needed to be able to believe in happiness after the bullshit I went through, and now….I have it. Mwah.
…There are not many things more gratifying than respected men and women in your field believing that your research, (done by you, an undergraduate), is for your dissertation. ABCT changed my life. (Association for Behavioral and Cognitive Therapies, if you were wondering). At the conference, I stood there with the best researchers in the field, and it dawned on me that, hey, maybe I can really do this. I can do research, I can survive grad school, I can get my PhD.
…Loves come and go, but your mother will never leave you. And she’ll stay up late into the night to listen to you cry and curse and hate life. Did I ever mention how much I love my mother? I love love love her. She is my favorite person in the world. Hands down. Yesterday, she and I watched the Ford Funeral together. We started talking about funerals, and she said how she was thinking there are some things she ought to write down that she’d like in her funeral. I was in tears as she mentioned the 23rd psalm and Lift High the Cross. I cannot imagine my life without her, and I hope I don’t need to experience it for a long while.
...The most precious moments in life go by so quickly, that you just want to squeeze your eyes shut and remember every sensation of it forever, to hold onto it in your mind. Michelle walking down the aisle, Dad handing her off, sitting at the head table, giving my toast (which she found and READ ahead of time…brat!), watching her dance with Dad….amazing moments in a day that seemed so surreal. I was even almost able to ignore Eric’s extreme sappy drunkenness after more than 15 drinks. That was the night he told me he couldn’t wait for us to be married too. Back when I almost believed it. But that won’t tarnish such a wonderful day. Perfect weather, perfect wedding (except for Dana’s near-faint), and love love love.
I guess that's what 2006 was about for me. Love. And learning the right and wrong places to find it.
My resolution?
I don't make them. You should never wait til a certain day to better yourself. So I guess, my resolution is to resolve to make myself better every day.
Happy New Year. |
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[Oct. 30th, 2006|01:18 pm] |
So I had a great weekend.
-Karaoke with Steve, Kyle and Luta on Thursday night...
-Went home and SHOPPED and got cute stuff on Friday, then to Eric M's partayyy and hung out with Luta some..
-Partied with Julie, Angela and Matt on Saturday night (hilarity ensued).
-The Pack won and I watched The Break Up with Kyle and Steve Sunday night.
The only thing that could have made it better was if it was spent with Eric....he hasn't called. I miss him so much, I can hardly stand it. Every day without him sucks, because even when I have a good time with my friends, I always come home and lie in bed forever before I can fall asleep, because all I can think of is how my day would have been better if he was a part of it.
Guh. |
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