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[Jul. 28th, 2008|09:56 pm] |
Things I’ve come to realize:
- Things will always take longer than the time you allotted for them. Unless you are trying to kill time with an activity—then you will finish far quicker than you imagined.
- Dessert isn’t necessary, but it makes meals worth eating.
- You can never look for love. Because if you look for love you are certain to find it, but not in its true form. You will find what you choose to label as love because of your desire to be loved instead of just accepting relationships for what they are and letting them develop or break.
- Sometimes, bones will break. So will hearts. The latter takes longer to heal, and with much greater pain, but, unlike bones, it comes with the ability to heal fully and become even stronger than before its fracture.
- An 8 oz. glass of fruit juice may have 100 calories according to my mother, but it starts my morning off right, so calories be damned, I’ll fucking drink it.
- When yearning for things to be “the way they used to be”, remember that going to those places with those people now may not be quite as magical, and would perhaps ruin the positive thoughts of it that you already have.
- Don’t believe people who say to regret nothing. There are plenty of things that you ought to regret. That being said, never regret without doing something about it. If you owe an apology, do it, even if it’s 10 years later. If it’s not something you can apologize for, just figure out what you can learn from it and stop making the same stupid mistakes. Lord knows we all do plenty of jackass things that we ought to regret. The phrase instead should be Regret Nothing Inactively
- You are never too old to find shapes in the clouds. Although I’ll warn you—some look a lot more phallic now than they did at age 7.
- Some people never change. But some can and do. Do what you need to do to save your sanity—taking a break from them, etc., but never give up on or underestimate those you love.
- Bigger breasts, thinner thighs, shinier hair, will not make you happier. Money will. ;)
- Spend a lot on your mattress and sheets. 1/3 of your life should not be fucked with.
- Moisturize.
- When you have a day where life just sucks, sometimes all there is to do is to drive out in the middle of nowhere and scream your head off.
- You are never too old for a bubble bath.
- You are, however, too old to be wearing Crocs. So cut it the fuck out. Use them as gardening shoes, as they were fucking intended.
- When you have a lot of problems, spend your time with someone or something that has none—like a child, or a dog. Whimsical feelings of being carefree are highly contagious.
- An apple a day is fine. But don’t push it. Any more than that, and you’ll have bad gas.
- 25 degrees below zero is a bad time to get a flat tire.
- If you are really in need of a sunny day, just forget your sunglasses at home. It’s a signal to the sun to fuck with you.
- Likewise, if you want it to rain, forget your umbrella. Same logic applies.
- Just because you have a pain may not mean something’s wrong. Wait a day or two before you schedule an appointment.
- Flossing sucks.
- “Just because you have stopped sinking doesn’t mean you’re not still underwater.” – Amy Hempel.
- Sex is great, but it’s best not as an end, but as a means to an end—closeness in a way that is impossible to express with words.
- In closing, one more Hempel quote on getting through tragedy: “The worst of it is over now, and I can’t say that I am glad. Lose that sense of loss—you have gone and lost something else. But the body moves toward health. The mind, too, in steps. One step at a time. Ask a mother who has just lost a child, How many children to you have? ‘Four,’ she will say ‘—three,’ and years later, ‘Three,’ she will say ‘—four.’ It’s the little steps that help. Weather, breakfast, crossing with the light." |
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[Jun. 22nd, 2008|06:37 pm] |
I haven't been writing in here, and I'm sorry for anyone who potentially gives a shit. But right now I feel kind of like engaging in some hopefully proactive cathartic writing.
I won't say what kind of a year it's been. Mostly because I can't come up with any words. I've experienced the greatest of pride and pleasure and the lowest points of despair. And to this day, I feel that my days begin and end with this same juxtaposition. Those close to me know that this year I was in love and broken hearted, doggedly working on and completing my honors thesis, graduating, traveling the country to interview at graduate schools, waiting nervously, getting into graduate school, had my school get shot up by a crazed gunman, lost someone through that, lost another acquaintance to a freak construction accident, went through a TRAGIC EVENT (which I will not go into detail about on here), tried to recover from said event, got horribly used, wanted to die, wanted to give up on men altogether, and now...I'm moving my things to Ohio.
The irritating thing about going through something traumatic is that life just keeps moving. The sun continues to shine, birds still fly around, people still drive like assholes, and papers are still due. The universe doesn't have the time to care that you're so deep in a hole that you can feel the heat of the inner mantle of the earth's core. It just continues. And for all that I hated this about the universe--- its not giving a fuck about my issues, it probably helped me more than anything to just keep waking up and going through life.
Recently, after Austin was crushed by a steel beam on a worksite in CA, my therapist said, "That is hard, death never gets easier." I shook my head. It never gets easy, but it gets less frustrating. You learn not to ask the fruitless question why. There isn't a why. The shooting made me realize that more than ever. Five young people with young minds and dreams and hopes for their lives. And, yes, flaws. But for some reason, a young man came and recklessly took their lives and his own. Those who yearn for a "why" have blamed evidence of a potentially unstable mental health history, or video games (ask Andrew how he feels about THAT), or his parents being divorced or something. But they are fools. There. is. no. why. There just isn't. People just aren't satisfied with the truth-- this bullshit-- it just happens. Free will be damned. But that's the truth.
In the aftermath, the Lutheran church on campus put up 6 crosses. People were in an uproar that they felt the 6th was for the shooter. I say, who cares. Human life was lost. At ones one hands or at another's--who cares--How is that not sad? Your anger won't bring our loved ones back. Let it go.
I didn't know Ryanne well. She was in my social psych class, in my group, at the time of the shooting. A sweet girl. Ebullient, perpetually smiling. Enthusiastic. I learned more about her at her funeral. They talked a lot about her flaws. Which I so appreciated. Because flaws are humanity. She was messy, idealistic, her father said. She was one of those psych majors who just wants to be a counselor and help people. That's all she wanted-- to help people. God love her. I apologize for the fact that it sounds quite cheesy for me to say it, but those of us who are going into the field who know her will work on in her spirit.
Right now, I'm single. It's one of the strangest experiences of my life. Mostly because it seems that people just don't believe in dating anymore. It's either you're with someone or not. Which is horribly frustrating to someone who is moving in 2 short months and just wants to have fun. One person I've been seeing was sort of wondering what it would take for us to date exclusively, and I guess one of the answers is, I need to know you.
Maybe this is weird, but for me to really like someone, I need to know what toys they liked to play with as a kid, their biggest disappointments, their failures, their losses, their greatest joys, their ridiculous pet peeves, their tragedies. I want to hear their story. Maybe I'm just a fucked up person, but if they've never been through some tragedies, I'm really not interested. To me, how can you really know anything about life if you've never had to question it? If you've never screamed at the top of your lungs because there aren't any words or tears left?
Here are some examples of things about me. I hate drive-thrus. I avoid them at all costs. I can't stand whistling. I love riding in convertibles and watching the clouds. I always have a song in my head. I don't like sci-fi or fantasy stuff. I ALWAYS have water in my purse. My room is never clean for longer than 24 hours. I can't stand people folding my ears over. I hate to be tickled. I love to wake up next to someone I love, but don't like sharing my bed in order to get to that moment.
These are the things I hope people remember about me. Idiosyncrasies-- they're so beautiful. |
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[Jul. 23rd, 2007|09:29 pm] |
Just a few thoughts..
--Not sure if I've mentioned this before, but I don't like how my dentist puts his name and phone number on my toothbrush. Seems like a very arrogant move to me, and while I realize that by using various products throughout the course of my day I am inadvertently advertising constantly, I don't feel I should have to advertise for my dentist. Frankly, he's an asshole, and his big fat tummy always rests on me when he's bent over me. Yucko.
-- I feel like I should hate mushrooms, cause they're such a gross kind of fungus thing. Yet, I love them. Dishes just seem to taste better with mushrooms. Just try not to think about the fact that fungus also grows under people's toenails, and you'll continue to enjoy said dishes.
-- Girls are SO much easier to shop for than guys. Just buy them a pretty piece of jewelry, and they're happy. What the fuck do you get a guy that is equivalent to a diamond necklace? This is the predicament that I'm in, and I don't know how to solve it. Especially because he's not helpful, and he keeps saying like, "just get me a sandwich from subway" or "how about a car air freshener". Argh.
-- Sunday, July 22nd, 1:14, I receive the following text message from John, who is going to the bathroom in my new apartment:
"I've always wanted a girl like you and a toilet paper holder that was straight ahead of me"
Glad my new place makes his dreams come true. |
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[Jul. 16th, 2007|09:52 pm] |
Do people truly have the ability to change?
Maybe some do. I talked to Eric today and he kind of casually mentioned that he doesn't go out nearly as much as he used to..that he thinks he may have somewhat outgrown that phase of his life. I was in disbelief, I thought maybe he was bluffing, but I have no choice but to to accept what he's saying as the truth. It's funny, isn't it? All I wanted was for him to drink a little less, and all he wanted was for me to see that it's ok to drink occasionally..and now we're both sort of at those places. If only we would have been 9 months ago we wouldn't have had to go through all the bullshit. But, such is life.
On a completely unrelated note..I've wondered this, and thought of it again when I was watching those crime shows I like to watch...what happens with people's stuff when they go to jail? By stuff, I mean like, bills, payments, etc. Who takes care of it? Is something set up to where it deducts from their bank account? Does a family member have to take care ofit? What if they don't have family to do it?
Not that I am trying to plan ahead for a future sentence...I'm really just curious. |
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[Jul. 12th, 2007|05:06 pm] |
Ginormous is now officially in the dictionary.
I now plan to use it less-- that just takes all the fun out of it.
What's next, bazillion? |
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[Jul. 10th, 2007|08:44 pm] |
I'm annoyed.
I read this article this morning. http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20070710/ap_on_re_eu/pope_other_christians;_ylt=Aj87tThnP9pbUwjiE25yNOLMWM0F
If you're not interesting in reading it, allow me to sum it up. The pope re-released a statement that other Christian denominations (Protestants, Methodists, Episcopalians, etc) are not true churches, and that only the Catholic church has the "true means of salvation."
This really pissed me off for a few reasons.
First, I will not try to act like I've ever thought the papacy made any fucking sense. If he's so close to god, ordained by God, then why doesn't god pick him instead of a few guys who blow smoke out of a chimney thing? Why is any mortal closer to God than any other? This idea seems very un-Christian to me...we are all equals under God. Giving up sex for your life doesn't make you any better than anyone else. It just deprives you of the precious gift of creating another of God's children (and of having a GREAT deal of pleasure in your life). [insert altar boy joke here]
So obviously I have some long-standing issues with the Catholic church. But, all of that aside, can't we agree that this is totally unfair for the Pope to say? What do you mean, catholics only have the "true means to salvation"? Are the rest of the believing, God-fearing Christians going to "purgatory"? Are only YOU, ever perfect one, going to heaven? And by the way, how do YOU know so specifically who will be saved? Must be your special relationship with God that the rest of us are incapable of, since we're lesser fucking beings or something.
Or is this your way of saying, "Those who do not believe in ME shall not have eternal life"? Is that what this is about? Just angry because some of us Christians think you're just the same as the rest of the believers in God's eyes?
What's really sad to me, is it is exactly this kind of thing that turns non-religious people further from religion. The constant bickering over rules and regulations, what is right, what is acceptable, who will be saved. It's silly to me, because none of us really know. All we can do in the meantime is love our neighbors, treat others with respect, and basically not be a bunch of assholes. The Pope's actions are what divides Christians. He says that he believes in ecumenical progress, but I just don't see how that can be! That's like calling a black dude a piece of shit n-word and expecting him to be your friend. He could have called the churches different, he could have said they have different beliefs, but instead he had to go and profess the primacy of his own beliefs. And that's why he's wrong.
In the words of Luke 23:24 "Forgive them, Lord, for they know not what they do."
All I have to say to you, Pope Benedict, is that when God talks to you, I hope he tells you what a bad boy you've been and sends you to bed without your dessert. |
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[Jul. 9th, 2007|09:24 pm] |
A lot happened this weekend. But I was out way too late and only got 3.5 hours of sleep last night..I'm in no mood to write. So, instead, enjoy one of many incredible parts of my weekend.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7LAZgcC3jgo
This ought to be enough entertainment to keep you satisfied for now. :)
EDIT: I should tell you that John and I turned on SNL as this was starting. After it was done, he immediately changed the channel. Why? "SNL is not going to do any better than that for me tonight." Well said. |
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[Jul. 5th, 2007|11:02 pm] |
I went to Eric's game as usual..it's Thursday evening. And his Dad, Step-mom and little brother showed up. It was so nice to see them again. Awkward, but nice. Sometimes you forget how much you miss things until you get to experience them again.
I drove home with all the windows down, because it's awful hard to cry with the wind whipping in your face. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 2nd, 2007|08:31 pm] |
I'm writing this from my front porch, since it's so lovely outside. I would be running, but my toe hurts for some ungodly reason (people keep saying an ingrown toenail, but I see nothing grown-in) and I don't feel like making it even more angry at me. Toes can be real bitches.
Am I lame? I guess I am. It seems that John almost mocks me, with the way I come home from work, study for the GRE or do grad school stuff, paint, read, play the piano and go to bed as early as I can. Sometimes I shop. But, I get up for work at 5:45…am I supposed to go party every night, regardless? Maybe I am, I don't know. Maybe I'm just a boring person. I hope he doesn't start to resent that.
Of course the one day I needed to take 90W for work, it was backed up with a jack-knifed semi. Oh joy. I should have brought a map. Luckily, my guess that Algonquin Rd would get me there was correct.
Tomorrow, after work, it's off to Mokena to spend the 4th with John. I would go on Wednesday morning, but the parade route is near his house and so I'd have to get there at 9 a.m….translation, leave here by 8, translation, get up at 6:30 on a day off. No, thank you! J Besides, we're going to see Ratatouille.
Painting has done something interesting to me…it seems that when I look up at the sky now, at the sunset, I don't just see the color…I see where I'd have to add white, or a little orange to mix them to be the right shade, and draw the end of my brush dryly across the edges to feather them into one another. I never looked at the sky as if it were a painting before, but it's a lot like that scene in What Dreams May Come where he and his dog are running through the field, but it's really part of a painting, and they are getting covered in paint and smearing all the colors. I love that scene. I hope that's what heaven is like. |
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[Jul. 1st, 2007|10:34 pm] |
I think I'm going to start posting in here. Mostly, because my boyfriend doesn't like to talk on the phone. He says I babble about things. I say, so what? You have to talk about SOMETHING. A simple, "Hi, I worked today, it sucked. I ate a salami on rye for lunch. Ok. Cool. Me too. Bye" Doesn't really contribute much in the way of interesting or meaningful conversation. At least for me.
So. You, internet world, are subject to my ramblings. And, quite unlike John, you won't get whined at if you don't listen. :) Maybe we won't need to talk on the phone at all anymore, he can just read about my life on here... (I'm joking, of course)
I think I should separate things from now on...I want to write about personal life things, but I know most people don't give a shit, and I don't blame them. But... I'm not just going to NOT WRITE AT ALL about them simply because YOU don't like it. Because, well, this is my blog. :)
Personal Life Stuff:
--- This past week (the 26th) would have been 5 years with Eric. Despite the fact that I'm with John, and very happy with him, I couldn't help but feel a good deal of sadness that day. People always say when things work out that it just "wasn't meant to be". But what if it was? I think it's just something people say because, well, fuck, we'll never know exactly what WOULD have happened. But, I mean, think about it...maybe if I would have stayed with him, we would have worked things out and gotten married, had kids, won the lottery, lived in Rio, died rich and fat and happy. That COULD have happened. I may never know. And the never knows are what seep into my brain with a lot of things. Like, maybe I was supposed to apply to "better" schools for undergrad, like Notre Dame, Northwestern, etc. and I'd be into research there, and have a better chance at big name grad schools. That could have happened, but I don't know. I guess instead of the saying being, "It wasn't meant to be", a more appropriate axiom is. "Don't fixate on the things that could have been, or you'll turn batty like stupid old Tina."
---Other than that, things are really great. I spent yesterday afternoon/evening with John's aunts, uncles, cousins, etc. on his Dad's side, and it was really fun. They are great people. I enjoyed watching John play with the little ones..he's very good with them. There's just something about guys playing well with kids that's so great, isn't there? (Stop it..I didn't mean it like that.) Then we went out to DeKalb to spend some time together. I scratched his back all afternoon today, and he fell in and out of sleep. Perfect.
--- I think that I have realized I am not a touchy feely person. I bristle at giving others hugs most of the time. Even people in my family. I rarely hug my parents or Michelle. It is extremely uncomfortable for me, and I'm not sure why. I'm trying not to psychoanalyze. Is it the touch I hate? Andrew pointed out that I asked him for a hug when I saw him a week or two ago. And, that's true, I did. Seems out of character. But, I have hugged Julie, too. So I guess "seeing an old friend" qualifies as a hug-worthy occasion. I hug John all the time. I hug his mom sometimes, though it is very hard for me. I wish I felt freer to hug my mom and dad. It is one of those things I'll curse myself for not doing more when they pass. In junior high/high school my group of friends hugged EVERYONE ANYTIME ANYBODY went ANYWHERE. And I loved that. Why have I changed? Any suggestions on how to not be such a weirdo?
NON-PERSONAL LIFE STUFF--
---As a part of the hugging topic I started above, I was thinking about how different people hug differently. Have you noticed this? Most people have to lean down to hug me because I'm short. My mom and I don't have to, and I find it awkward to hug women my height because you have to figure out how to not make your boobs touch and stuff. Eric gives the best hugs ever. They are squeezy and tight. I wish everyone hugged like him. It's a hug that MEANS something. And I think hugs ought to be more important than they are given credit for now. It's always strange trying to figure out who is putting their arms where, I think. Just me?
---- Are fireworks illegal in Illinois? Cause I've seen a LOT of them around, set off by random people. If so, that has to be one of the most OBVIOUS crimes ever committed.
---- Chris Benoit. Wow. For those of you who don't know my friends well...after some sort of terrible media event, my friends try to come up with the most awful, obscene and tactless response to it (usually in the form of a joke in an away message). I didn't see many for Benoit, but I doubt they would have topped Alex's, which was "jeez, I didn't realize how offended Chris Benoit was that I never picked him in my WCW vs. NWO game." For other examples of my friends being assholes, please see: any of our Anna Nicole comments, the infamous "Walking on Corpses" (remake of Walkin' On Sunshine', made after Hurricane Katrina, when I realized that the song was originally and ironically performed by a band called Katrina and the Waves), or simply observe us playing a game of Apples to Apples. Yikes.
---- Speaking of which, someone needs to organize a game of that. Oh, and Paper Telephone.
---- John and I were watching NASCAR today (he enjoys it, I'm trying desperately to), and one of the upcoming races is the USG Sheetrock 300, and I just cracked up. Wow, what a ridiculous fucking sponsorship! I was trying to brainstorm some other really stupid sponsors, how about the:
-Kotex Lightdays Panty-Liners 200
-Goo-Gone 300
-A Chorus Line 200
-3M Sticky Post-Its That Are Put Together Like an Accordian So You Can Put Them In One Of Those Post-It Dispenser Thingies 400
Please feel free to add your own. |
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pashunit's journal